A Response

I got this comment from Steve (His Servant) on my More Thoughts about the Conference post, and it made me think about how others respond to what I/we are going through. So I thought I would use it (with his permission) as a springboard to talk a little about it.

I often, (as I think many of us do), find it hard to express sorrow and sympathy to you because I fear you can discredit everything I might say. I have nothing to compare to the difficulties you have had in your life. I have not walked in your shoes. I cannot begin to understand the difficulties you face everyday. You have a great appreciation for every God given moment. It is my prayer that God will continue to give you good health and that we might know how to better express ourselves to you.

My first thought is that I am extremely humbled that others feel so much sorrow and sympathy for me and our family. It means so much to know that we are so loved and cared about by so many. It is kind of a hard pill to swallow though, because it is one thing when my illness just effects me, but it doesn't. It also effects many others that are in my life, and that is one of the things I hate. It just truly sucks. I can handle it, if it was just me I was worrying about, know what I mean?

My second thought is, I would truly accept any expressions of sorrow and sympathy from anyone--and I wouldn't discredit you, I promise!! The speaker at the conference had some good points on grief. The reason her workshop really wasn't helpful to me is because I have learned through my life experiences to grieve my losses as they come. In turn, those experiences have helped me to be able to do that with my current situation as well. That is the beauty of it. I am able to deal mentally with my situation for the most part, because of the hard experiences I have had. I had some issues with some of the speaker's other statements and quotes she used such as the one I previously mentioned to the audience she was speaking to, but I think she did make a good point on grieving your losses as you go. I know that was helpful to some of the women who had never really thought about that. They always associated grief with a death of some kind and not with all the little losses in your life. I also know that the prayers of others and the support of family and friends has also help us get through the tough times. I have my bad days, of course, where I just feel down in the dumps and wonder "Why me?", but I have found that I can't stay there for very long. Call it short-term memory loss if you will. I am definitely not in denial, I just try to live in the moment. So if I am sick, I live in that moment. If I am feeling good, I am living in that moment. If I am sad I am living in that moment. Heh, nothing like being moment to moment!

My hope is that by being able to keep you all informed through this blog and you all being able to respond and comment on the blog, that when we do meet/talk in day-to-day life, our conversations do not have to center around cancer and all that jazz. I like being able to talk to people about the normal things like how their life, kids, job, is going. I like talking about my family, my kids, photography, shopping, and just about anything. If my health issues come up, that is fine too, but I don't like it when it the first and only thing someone asks me and then there is just that awkward silence. I am still here, living large, and trying to make the best of every day. Defining a new "normal" for our family if you will.

I have found that even though we have been through a lot, that there is always someone, somewhere who has it worse than me. Every day truly is a gift, and I strive to live by that. I could be in a lot of pain and needing pain medication all the time as some women with my disease are. I could be paralyzed from the cancer eating away at my spine as one woman on our YSC board is. I could be walking with a cane, or have heart failure from chemo. I could live in a country where there is no insurance or even treatments for this disease. That doesn't mean this is easy. Far from it. It is hard to not know what your future holds, and be much more aware that we all have an expiration date. It is hard to wait for scan results and experience all the fear and bad thoughts about the worst possible scenarios. It is hard to come home from chemo and feel like doing nothing but sleep. But as I have told a friend. I would take the cancer away if I could, but I wouldn't take away the perspective it has given me on life. I am much more grateful for the little moments nowadays. Those are the ones that make life good. I have seen a quote somewhere that says something to the effect of: We are all dying. Cancer patients are just more aware of it. So yes, here comes the stupid bus analogy again. Any of us could step out in the road and be hit by a bus and be dead tomorrow. Living with stage IV cancer is like standing on the yellow line and waiting for the bus to hit you. Okay, enough with my stupid morbid jokes. I know not all of you can handle that stuff! Ha, ha! I am not going to go mountain climbing and all the rest like in the country song, but I will try to enjoy every day I have with my family and friends (although, it would be nice to do some world travelling sometime). Really, every one of us should do that. None of us know our expiration date.

Please just don't put us on a pedestal. We are definitely human. In fact, if you really knew us well, you might be super surprised at just how human we are. Just because you don't see that, doesn't mean it isn't so. :-)

Thank you for the prayers and thoughts. They truly help to get us through! We couldn't do this without them and all the help we receive from everyone.